A Revisit Leads Me to Delete Everything and Start Again.

Hello blog. It's Genevieve. I know that no one is listening.

I've given up my Tumblr dashboard for Lent and so here I am again. Almost two years later. Due to shame and the hope that someone would actually read this, I deleted all of my old, cringe-worthy posts and I'm starting new.

Depression. What a grand way to begin again. Of course, it's always self-inflicted. I care about the things I want to care about. Reading. Not so much internet. More reading. Reading again. Escaping into someone else's life and pretending it's my own. Reading is fantastic, yeah. I'll look you in the eye and tell you that literature is one of the most important things in the world to me. It's the only thing that makes sense, it makes no sense. So on, so forth. But the literature consumes me and when I decide I need to do the things the teachers want me to do, I go onto the computer and observe the mundane lives of my Facebook friends. The internet consumes me harshly. When I run away from both, I daydream. Nowhere in this equation do I see my responsibilities.
And so here I am, pounds of Anatomy homework due tomorrow and about to leave for CYA, not yet having eaten dinner. I'm wearing jeans underneath the dress I wore to welcome spring, and the blatant femininity of today has been both confidence-boosting and exhausting. I'm so content in androgyny and things that show my legs are really just ways of rubbing my ability to be feminine in my peers' faces. Yeah, I'm pretentious.

But things are all sort of shit a lot of the time. I'm not going to be stupid and say I'm putting on a smile, because when I do smile, it's genuine. But Those genuine smiles are just a shadow when I'm feeling incompetent and irresponsible. Like now. My best friends are beginning to turn on each other. One of them has gone down the fucking drain since she dumped her boyfriend, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about her. Then there's education. Homework, yeah. Then there's the whole walk-out thing happening tomorrow, in which the people who actually care are near to silent. And when the people who are loud and care speak out, they're obscene and immature. Rick Sucks Dick is not going to encourage people to support our school's funding. Sorry. Also, the school just called, completely aware of the walk-out tomorrow, and my father answered. it's shit about disciplinary action that won't actually happen. And so my father says to me, "Walk Out? You know about that," my nod, "Well... no," and that is the end of the conversation.
Well, no. My father is, at this point, obtuse as to my political standing. It's not out of spite that I'll be leaving my first hour, but maybe he'll notice that I'm not a raging Right-Winged capitalist when I do go out there.

I don't have a political party. I'm obviously left-leaning but I've dropped the label of "liberal." It's whatever. I'm a Marxist because I have an idealist's mindset and I don't want to be bothered by politics.

Otherwise. Things. I expect to be renewed tonight at CYA. Two-week intervals are far too long for this nourishment. Blakslee's class has somehow lost its title as my happy place. Probably because of stress.

Take my words for all their worth when I say that I am tired. I'll keep counting my breaths and maybe I'll come back here next time with a more positive post. Promises made.

Genevieve.